A Guide To Mary Sues, Zazie Style
by Glacies
Summary: Zazie is thrown into a world of horror, where Mary Sues are taking over where Gaichuu once were... And where his friends are being turned into them.  Its up to him to save them.  *Written for the sake of preserving the fandom. OOC CHARACTERS HERE*
1. In The End

**Disclaimer: I don't OWN Tegami Bachi/Letter Bee, nor do I PLAN on owning it. All Mary Sues are based off ones I have seen and or the Mary Sue creator.**

**i feel my brain cells dying while i vomit words unto this keyboard, since i'm rewriting this.**

* * *

><p>Zazie was not having a good day, and it was only five fifty three in the morning. It was strange, because he was normally a morning person (or a fan of whatever 'morning' was, because in a land without a sun, it wasn't really clear sometimes). It was mainly because no one else was up at that time of the day, so he could spend some time in peace and away from the mind-boggling stupidness that was a trademark of the Amergroundian citizens.<p>

So he was rather baffled when he woke up in the morning with the desire to strangle someone, and he spent a long moment with his eyes closed, trying to rein the feeling in.

And then he opened his eyes to see another pair of beautiful lilac multifaceted eyes (_wait, where the hell did that come from,_ he wondered) an inch away from his face. He let out a very undignified yelp and struck out, hand connecting with the person's face. A quick check verified that it wasn't anyone he knew, and he felt immensely better about punching someone in the face.

"Who the _hell_ are you, and _why the hell_ are you in my house?" He snapped, eyes narrowing as he scrambled into a sitting position. His fingers closed around the gun under the pillow.

At least he knew why he was agitated when he woke up. He usually didn't have creepy people standing over him while he slept (unless it was Lag. That was common.)

The girl whined. "That hurt! How could you hit your fiancé, Zazie-kun?" She exclaimed, rubbing at her perfect porcelain looking skin. Zazie stared back at her.

There was an awkward pause, a blank look, and a scathing comment. "I'm a terrible person who has no remorse and barely any human emotions. I thought we all knew this by now." Zazie paused. "Also, what shit are you smoking, woman? Fairly certain I'm not engaged. If I am, it's because Dr. Creepy-Shit sold me on the black market, and that crap isn't legal."

"You must have memory loss!" She exclaimed, leaning uncomfortably close to him (_what the hell are you going on about, I do not have memory loss, that is bull, _ran through the Letter Bee's mind), and smiling. "I'm Destiny E'bony Amour Equinox Dazzle Princess Shadow, and my dingo's name is Sunnyberry Starcreator SorrowMountan Sunday the Third!"

_Dingo._

Oh, _no_. No, no, no. No no no no no this was not happening he was so going to kill Lloyd and Aria _dead_ when he saw them. Dingo meant _Letter Bee_, and she was more annoying than Lag.

Something had to be done.

Another quick glance showed that she was wearing a very sultry and blasphemed Letter Bee uniform. She was wearing a short skirt and fishnets over her body, and her shirt cut off past her boobs and _oh god how hadn't she died wearing that_.She should have, he decided. Amberground was not a generous place_ but she was still dressed like that._

"You're speechless by my good looks! I'm perfect in every way! I have waist length tousled brown sugar hair, and I have starry winter sky eyes! You have to love me! I hunt Gaichuu every day, along with my dingo! And Sunnyberry's perfect too! Sunnyberry even loves Wasiolka! Look how much our dingoes love each other!""

_No_, he wanted to yell. _I am speechless because you look like a whale. A stupid whale_.

He craned his neck towards the back corner of the room, and caught sight of Wasiolka pressed against a wall, claws extended and hissing like the devil. Her eyes were narrowed into devilish slits, and a small dog… thing was in front of her.

It barked and wagged its tail. Yellow fur with intricate flame designs and sparkles caught the non-existent light, and fluffy white wings kept it suspended off the ground, and it floated. A pink halo floated over its head, as well.

This made no sense.

_That was not right,_ he realized. _That is not natural._

The girl leaned over him. Zazie was trying really hard not to throw up now. _Ugh. She smells horrible. Like crappy perfume._

"Don't you love my perfume as well~? It's dewy night-blossom-ivory-lilies~! It's supposed to attract every male around me! Do you love me, Zazie! Cause I love you!" The girl squealed, and continued chattering nonstop. She threw herself onto the bed next to him. His mind went blank - with bloodlust or confusion, he wasn't sure.

"Are you propositioning to me?" He blurted out. "Because I don't want it. I mean, not like I'm into guys or anything. I mean, I don't want you, not that I don't like girls."

The question hung into the air. She stared at him, blushing, before scooting closer. His mind went dead.

_Ew. God no._

Zazie used the opportunity to bring out the big guns (and the shotgun under his pillow).

The neighbors were surprisingly quiet about the fact that a corpse was found on the street at five A.M with a couple shotgun pellets and claw marks, along with the traces of glitter.


	2. Crash And Burn

**A/N: THANK YOU to all reviewers/people who looked at this fic. If this strikes you as humor, it was placed under parody and horror, cause that's what Sues are. Onto today's chapter, featuring Zazie!**

**Dealing with a crash course into areas many fans drown in.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Tegami Bachi/Letter Bee or any of it's characters. Making no profit, but typed for the work of spreading the lulz.**

* * *

><p><span>A Guide to Mary Sues: Zazie Style<span>

Chapter Two: Crash and Burn

_(AKA, what happens to young and inexperienced fanfiction writers and what they do to the characters.)_

Hey Peoples;

Hey, it's Zazie here. I may have stolen Ignis' laptop and I'm writing a note for all of you peoples out there. First of all, when they created the little biography about us that you all call "Tegami Bachi", the smart people who apparently _own me_ left out a few key things.

**A)** I don't really like Niche as a love interest. Besides, doesn't she like Lag or someone...?

**B)** I'm about as sarcastic as hell. And about as friendly when I first meet someone. And I tend to be a grouch when I wake up, and I'm stubborn as hell, and I don't fully wake up until I've had about three cups of coffee. Basically, unless I like you, I'm a bitch to be around.

**C)** Did they mention that I have violent tendencies...?

**D)** Or that I like to set things on fire and watch them burn? But that's cool, since Wasiolka likes to watch the flames. I don't think they mentioned that though...

**E)** Oh. Did the people who _own my soul_ tell you guys how Connor and Sylvette had to give Lag the talk? Lag later had to give it to Niche, which went over great. Since he recommended her to me. I think I scared her though.

**F)** I live in Ignis' basement. Joking, joking.

**G)** I also have been diagnosed with insomnia! Great for me!

Now that that's done and I feel slightly less happy, I have a few things to say. Yes, this is actually me. Ask me questions, whatever floats your boat. I'm not leaving my house for you guys though. Or anything like that.

That's too requiring and it takes effort and God knows I don't like people very much. They tend to annoy me.

Anyway, I am here on Ignis' request. And because I wanted to steal something and I've had way too much sugar today...

Ignis et Glacies wants me to give you a crash course of punctuation and spelling and stuff.

I hate you all.

**1.1: Spelling.**

When you spell things right, you sound important and look important. And us with attention issues pay more attention. Spell check? It's basically Aotoge into a Gaichuu. Super sudden death.

For some reason, I really feel compelled to kill something.

**1.2: Grammar/Punctuation**

Put a 'period/.' after the end of a sentence. If something needs extra attention, put a '!' or if it's a question, put a '?' at the end. Not hard, right?

Then actually do it in a story. Geez, I'm hate newbies. This is officially Ignis' job from now on.

**1.3: Capitalization.**

I'm going tear someone's head off if I see one more "zazie did this" or "what's wrong?"

What's wrong? You are an uneducated person, that's what's wrong. Names and beginnings of sentences are always capitalized. No ifs, ands, or buts.

You want an angry Zazie after you? Then fix it. Now.

**1.4: And more grammar.**

It makes up the language. It is your friend. Listen to it.

Okay. Another pet peeve? Quotations. Let me dumb it down for you. There's Mr. Quotation and Mrs. Quotation marks. And they like to hug their children, which is why the surround the sentence. "Like this."

And then there are the illegitimate offspring of the two, and it's like this: "hello what are you doing 2day bc im doing gr8

Mrs. Quotation mark died because her husband cheated on her. I'm laughing inside.

One thing to remember: _Logic is your friend. Logic also caries around knives and doesn't take shit from people. Logic likes helping you._

Enjoy your crash course lesson from Zazie? Will you listen? Probably not. Why'd I bother? Oh. Ignis made me. She'll probably make me or Lag or Connor or Gauche come and give you another lesson. So shut up and fix it so we don't have to.

Listen, I'll even say please and answer your questions and responses.

Oh. And I'M not your freaking boy-toy who you can pair with anyone, by the way! Go annoy Lag! He's easily pariable and shippable! He won't even fight! Jut leave me alone!

Seriously, Lag is the MOST shippable character.

Hasta Luegos,

Zazzie

**P.S.:**

Rika: I love you too…? How the hell am I supposed to respond to this? And I'm glad you enjoy the show about my friend and his adventures as a mailman. Really hard job, it is. Besides, am I the mascot of the fandom? Most fics include me, and I'm with other people. Yes, I agree with you, read the above statement about Lag.

Micheliel: It helps to be insane? Except I'm not insane. Insane, no. Mentally crazy, possibly. And what is it with ZazieXNiche? It's like, why? What? HOW? But then you say it's illogical. I personally like you. You're funny. Yes, my life is a gold mine of crack. Ignis already has several crack stories that include Lag accidently drinking vodka and thinking it was water in her head. Last comment? Totally true, except you said it in a funny way.

kazumas: Thank you for your complements. I treasure them in my heart. Oh. Guess what?

We've got fifteen more chapters written by Ignis. And the occasional chapter by me.

The love keeps on coming.


	3. What now?

**A/N: It's Ignis here. Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! LOL, it's amazing the feedback I got on this! Any suggestions for other chapters, characters you'd like to see? Gauche is my favorite person probably, but my version of Zazie is easiest for me to write, cause we act a lot alike. My head-cannon decided that because Zazie was young when his parents were killed, about five or six, he went with a relative to live.**

**I'M AN OFFICIAL BETA FOR TEGAMI BACHI! CHOOSE ME!**

* * *

><p><span>A Guide to Mary Sues: Zazie Style<span>

Chapter Three: What now? Oh, it's the Possessed Sue.

_(AKA, the Sue that takes over innocent cannon characters __**hearts**__)_

A Quick Sue Quote: _"__the karicterz hav personlittys! Just u wayt! and OV CORSE PPL LIK A PERFECT KARRIKTER! I MEAN THERE PERFECT RITE? Plus her name is not mary jane SHES NOT A SHOE!"_ -Stated by Prettysilverflowercat in "The Story Of Prettysilverflower."

After several cups of coffee and a short nap, Zazie was somewhat awake. Key word: somewhat.

In other words, he was a zombie. Except he didn't eat brains.

Then there was the issue of getting dressed for the day, which was harder then it sounded. Especially since Wasiolka decided that playing with Zazie's scarf would be a wonderful idea.

When they finally reached the Bee above after feeding the horde of cats that gathered by Zazie's front door every morning, the duo stopped.

There was a horde of girls in front of the Bee Hive. Wait, what?

There were never girls at the Bee Hive. They usually didn't like the job of Letter Bees, with he exception of Aria and a few others like Fenrir, the ex-Bee who tried to maim Zazie after he delivered a letter to her.

_So why the hell were they all here?_

_HEY! LISTEN!_

Zazie was distracted from the growing mob of fangirls by an extremely sarcastic and hyper voice. That was coming from his head.

Maybe he was crazy.

_HEY! Zazie! Those girls, they're all Mary Sues! Find Lag and get out of here! Before they infect you as well! Lag might already be infected, so you'll have to knock him out of it! _

Yeah, Zazie was assuming that he was crazy now. But if the voice in his head told him to stay away from those girls, then he had a reason to stay away from them. But seriously. Would it start telling him to set things on fire next?

_I'm your ability to perceive the difference between bad and good literature! _

Oh. That's what it was. So... Where was Lag?

He couldn't possibly be the white blur heading straight towards him, could he? Scanning he area, the white blur was the only white blur around, so Zazie deduced that it was probably Lag.

When Lag collided with Zazie, the black haired boy nearly lost his balance before gripping Lag tightly by the shoulders. Lag looked pretty upset, he was crying. Trembles wracked through his body, and he pressed himself closer to Zazie and started to sob into his shirt.

"Zazie... T-they to-took Niche... a-and she doesn't e-even remember w-who I am...!" Lag wailed, trembling even harder. He seemed ready to break down and just stop.

Zazie was snapped out of his 'Zombie-Zazie' trance fairly quickly. Looking at Lag, he paused. Once again, something was _wrong_.

Why was Lag wearing tight leather pants and a white shirt that seemed to slip off his shoulders instead of his uniform? And instead of his scarf, he had on a collar. A _collar_.

Zazie _hated_ collars. He didn't put them on Wasiolka or anyone. If he had learned anything in the three month stay at his uncle's house after his parents had died, it was that collars hurt. They could take the pride and sheer hope out of a person.

Zazie knew from experience. He knew that he was pretty damn lucky that Wire and Dark had found him and gotten him away from his uncle. He probably would have never been a Letter Bee, a _Tegami Bachi_, if they hadn't.

"Lag. You need to tell me something. Who took Niche? Who put that collar on you?" Zazie couldn't hide the disgust in the last sentence or on the word collar, "What's with the giant mob of females?"

Lag stopped crying for a second and looked at Zazie. "The group of girls did this to me and Niche. Connor managed to get out, along with almost everybody else... m-me and N-Niche volunteered t-to be distractions s-so they could g-get Aria out... t-they broke h-her l-legs, Zazie!" Lag's voice ended up rising in volume over time, attracting a few looks.

_HEY! ZAZIE! Go back to your house! You got Lag out of there! Quick before the fangirls try to get you! I'll meet you there! Hurry!_

After looking up, it was assumed that the voice was telling the truth. Fangirls were heading that way, though most stayed in the mob. Zazie quickly picked up Lag, who was still shaking, in bridal style.

One fangirl saw this. "GUYS! It's YAOI!"

That attracted every fangirl's attention. Zazie took off.

Running really really fast.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: And you know the rest of my head-cannon. **

**Reviews:**

_**tessaleigh**_: Once again, I'm stating that Guache's probably my favorite character. There isn't enough of him in my opinion. Lag and Zazie are okay, but I really like Jiggy and Gauche and Aria and I'm glad that you write about Aria! It makes me happy!

Unless it's an AU with LagXGauche (What's that even called? I propose Lauche or Lache. In fact, I really like Lache.) and their the same age, it's a little weird. But I don't really care.

Oh. You liked Zazie's little rant? He's coming back to steal my computer more in the future. Don't be timid! State your opinions! Make Tegami Bachi the best FANDOM! In fact, we're like a family. We are small enough that we all know who's in the fandom. You can be part of the solution. Send me you pet peeves in fanfiction and I'll have Zazie/Gauche mention them.

Thank you for the complement, I really appreciate it! Actually, it's planned out for fifteen more basic chapters, with Letters and crash courses on fanfiction pet peeves in it. So, it'll be around 21 chapters. It's so hard to find interesting reading material today…

_**Bree-Bree233**_: I've read all of your stories, and I really like them! It honors me that you read mine! And this cracked you up? That's good! But it was going to be listed under Angst and Horror because that's what Sues are. Then I figured Parody was more fitting.

In my head-cannon, I expanded the personalities and pasts of the characters, and Zazie drew the pyromaniac and abused sticks. Lag got the ADD stick. :)

Lag is distinctly pariable. We need to come up with pairing names. I suggest Lauche or Lache for LagXGauche. I'm working on a fic where it's HOLY CRAP, where are we? And there's a SUN!, where the cast is thrown into the human world. It's GaucheXOC. I need more pairings and characters though.. any suggestions?

Wise words, Bree. We DO own the ideas in our head.


	4. Original Character? What's that?

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! This is my first time writing Lag. Watch me kill his personality...**

**By the way. Is Wasiolka a boy or a girl? And what's Zazie's last name?**

**DIsclamier: I don't own Tegami Bachi.**

* * *

><p><span>A Guide to Mary Sues: Zazie Style<span>

Chapter Four: An Original Character. One who won't kill us, please.

_(AKA, how to not burn the eyes out of all your readers)_

Hello:

This is Lag Seeing here. Zazie, Cloud, and Ignis wanted me to write the newest chapter of this. Hopefully, I don't offend you. I'd like to cover a few things though.

Well, my name's Lag. But there's a lot abut me you don't really know because it was never featured in "Tegami Bachi: Letter Bee". We were told to act like ourselves when we were being filmed, but I think we were all a little more reserved and stiff in that. So here's some things about me.

I love hockey and swimming. Track is pretty fun as well, though Niche is a bit over-excited when she does hurdles. I was diagnosed with ADD a couple of years ago, and I'm taking medicine. In the whole production of Tegami Bachi, I was never really truly myself. Pretty close at times, but not always. I tend to get excited over small things, and like Zazie, I'm very stubborn.

I also blurt out random facts and quotes.

Anyway, onto the review~!

When you create a character, you want to place a fragment of your **heart **in it. The character can't just be a puppet, they have to have a personality. What would they do? What would they think?

I'm going to put a little form here, with what you should fill out on a character.

_Name:_

_Age:_

_Gender:_

_Height/Weight:_

_Hair length and style:_

_Eye color and shape:_

_Personality:_

_Pet Peeves:_

_Likes:_

_Dislikes:_

_Flaws:_

_Talents:_

_Job:_

_Crush:_

Or something like that. You'll need to put more **heart** into it than just filling out the form. Try to think what your character would do if they were in a certain situation. They should start to talk to you.

In case you don't really understand, I'll fill it out for you. I'll use uh... uh... Cloud. Since she's the closest... And currently drooling in her sleep. Wonderful.

_Name: _Charlie McCloud

_Age:_ 16

_Gender:_ Female, despite the male name

_Height/Weight:_ She's 5'7 and 134 pounds.

_Hair length and style:_ She's got spiky, untamable hair that is rather short, and would be chin length, if it stayed down. Her hair doesn't though, and sticks out in ways that make her look like a boy.

_Eye color and shape:_ She's got rather... weird eyes. They seem to be a hazel color like Zazie's, but have normal pupils and a ring of darker hazel, almost bronze, on the outside.

_Personality:_ Cloud's an enthusiastic person, with a loud bright personality. She always looks on the bright side of life, but is fearless and sometimes rather stupid. She charges into danger, and is a fast talker. She's pretty friendly and loyal, but if she views you as an enemy, then she will always treat you as one. She holds grudges.

_Pet Peeves:_ Slow people, jerks, bullies, people who hurt her, when people don't clean up after themselves, loud and sudden noises, and bright lights.

_Likes:_ People in general, animals, art, music, sports, and drama.

_Dislikes:_ People who she has seen do one bad thing, loud noises, air ducts, plumbing, wires, textbooks, school, sitting around, not doing stupid things.

_Flaws:_ Not the smartest in the group, she is sensitive to loud noises and lights. Is a good close range fighter, but would be killed by a Gaichuu. She charges into danger and doesn't think things through. Very blunt. Holds grudges. Would not be considered beautiful by people, and is viewed as weird.

_Talents:_ She can put together music for a play and is great at drama.

_Job:_ She currently works as a life guard, but also helps with the music and lights in the drama groups in White Town.

_Crush:_ Nobody.

She has a personality.

Oh, and make sure your character isn't pretty and perfect. Um... being so pretty people don't like her isn't a flaw. Try something else.

No, your character cannot be perfect, it doesn't work like-

* * *

><p><em>You know what? You suck at this, Lag.<em>

Hey, it's Zazie. Lag apparently sucks at writing this, so I'll take over. Got it?

You better.

Few guide rules for an OC.

A) Don't make em perfect, they need flaws and something that shouldn't make them target practice. We should care about these guys.

B) Don't make us Cannon Characters immediately fall so deeply in love with them that it sucks.

C) No rainbow or color changing eyes, unless its like some eyes I've seen that are a shade of green/gray/pale blue where it seems to be a different color depending on what they're wearing. No weird hair like purple or green, as well.

D) Personality. Nuff said.

Wow, I managed to cover what Lag couldn't in less than fifteen sentences.

You fail sometimes, kitten.

So I'll answer some stuff that's been bothering me.

No, I'm not gay. Lag, maybe. We all know that he secretly likes Gauche somewhere. Wouldn't be so upset if he didn't.

Bree: I'm glad you're getting a kick out of this. This isn't stupidity that's going on here. THIS IS SPARTA!

Oh, I think some of you are wondering what was up with me and my phobia of collars. And who Dark and Wire were. I'll explain later. I really, _really don't want to talk about it._

I'm going to go get drunk or something.

Bye,

Zazie


	5. Rooftop Run

**A/N: Hey, it's Ignis here. Starting chapter one of my new story, called either A) Dead Branches, B) Track Star, or C) Diplomatic. I'm leaning towards C.**

**Diclaimer: Don't Own Tegami Bachi or any characters in it.**

* * *

><p><span>A Guide to Mary Sues: Zazie Style<span>

Chapter Five: Rooftop Run!

_(AKA, the title of that new Sonic level in Sonic Unleashed where the buildings freaking collapse...)_

Zazie started to run faster, trying to escape the hordes of girls after him and Lag. He knew from experience that fangirls could be vicious, and if there were Mary Sues in the crowd who liked either one of them, heads were going to roll.

Probably the boy's heads. Because since Zazie was carrying Lag, who had been hurt, there was no way he could do the little hack and spin he used on the Sue from earlier. Wasiolka could still rip them apart if need be, but that was only in extreme emergencies.

Lag clung closer to Zazie, his visible eye going wide with undiluted terror. He was shaking even more, if that was even possible, and was letting out sharp gasps when Zazie jostled him.

Zazie on the other hand, was panicking. How to get home without them seeing where he lived? He couldn't take the rooftops; he had Lag to deal with. Ground wasn't an option. They could track him easily if he went like that.

Well, if he got ahead, he could probably have Wasiolka take Lag and go through some of the alleyways, then head to the one that contained the tunnel that Zazie discovered led into his basement. The fangirls wouldn't be able to follow the two through the small gaps. Zazie could lead the Sues and Fangirls on a rooftop chase, where they wouldn't be able to keep up. He could probably do it, too.

"Wasiolka! C'mon, take Lag!" Zazie hissed at the large cat, who sped up to be directly by the boy, who dropped Lag on the cat as soon as they rounded the corners.

"Take Lag through the tunnels, then come home! Lag, I'll distract them on the rooftops." Zazie muttered to the two, watching as Wasiolka headed towards the direction of the alleyways at a sprint.

Turning, Zazie leaped for the window box that had some flowers or something in it, and then climbed up, just as the first figure rounded the corner. He didn't pause to see how many there were; he just continued to make his way up the building.

He had almost made it to he roof when he heard the sound of people following him up the building. _Time to hurry up!_ He mentally shouted. _I can't lose this and get caught!_

Scrambling up the rest of the way and pulling himself over he edge of the building, Zazie stood up and started to sprint again, ignoring his aching muscles. He reached he edge of he building and leaped.

For a second, he was airborne, and then he landed with a roll on the newer building. Looking back, most of the fangirls had stopped on the ground, and only about sixteen had followed him to he rooftops. Zazie started to run again.

"I'll probably make it in about ten minutes. Add getting rid of the stalkers, and we'll round it to thirty minutes. I hope I last that long," Zazie muttered to himself, heading for another building's edge. Since the one he was tying to leap up to was taller, he'd have to push himself up.

_Gravity defying stunt time. _

Throwing himself off the building, the black haired boy aimed for the balcony right below the roof. With a thump, he landed on the railing and started to loose his balance.

Until he leaped again, and caught the edge and hauled himself up onto the roof. By this time, his muscles were protesting and it was getting hard to move. The number if fangirls had dropped to about four.

The Letter Bee continued on, and made more leaps of faith. Sometimes, people would look up and see him scampering across the rooftops like a cat, but nobody really commented on it. It had happened before.

In fact, it was pretty common to see Zazie on the rooftops, along with he occasional child that he'd bring up there. In the district where Zazie lived, a place of violence and hardship where it wasn't exactly the safest place to live, everybody knew everybody, and the kids would flock to Zazie when he wasn't on a delivery.

After about five more minutes, it started to rain. The horrible, _ugh, I'm soaked_ sort of rain where you're completely drenched. That drove away the rest of the girls.

Zazie wasn't out of the woods yet though.

He kept up the pace for a while until his body refused to work any harder. It must have been a while, maybe an hour or two? Slowing down, he headed towards home. Actually, he was pretty close to home, but still.

What if they find me?

There was a simple answer. Wander around for a while until he's even colder and more tired, then head home. Zazie sighed, then headed to the side of a building. Again.

Grabbing the edge with his hands, he dropped himself down to the ground, then headed off into an alleyway. From there he wandered around.

Inside his mind was reeling.

_Okay. What do I know? For some reason, there was a girl in my room. The creepy stalker one. With the equally creepy dingo. And the ridiculously long name. Then when I went to the Bee hive, there was a mob of people who looked and acted similar to her. Lag came slamming into me a second later, spewing gibberish. Apparently they have Niche and they did something to her that made her forget Lag. Lag was also wearing leather and a collar. Something is wrong here._

_Then we have the small issue that something is going on in the Bee Hive that they had to evacuate. And they broke Aria's legs. None of this is adding up! Unless they have something against Letter Bees? But why would they?_

_And why didn't they attack Niche and Lag if they attacked Aria?_

_Why was Lag wearing a collar? It didn't look like a dog collar or anything… It didn't look like it was supposed to hurt him. In fact it looked like a bon-_

_This doesn't make sense!_

Zazie growled again. It. Did. Not. Compute.

At. All.

He ran his hands through his hair, his hat laying in his bag. He was almost home. About two more minutes. And he was freaking drenched.

He'd be lucky if he didn't get sick.

First things first, he needed to get Lag calmed down and check out the collar he had on. Then he'd go from there.

Zazie reached the door to his home, and pushed it open. Lag was curled into a ball in the hallway, Wasiolka standing by his side like a guard dog. Lag was shuddering, and muttering something.

Zazie knelt by the boy. "Lag, what's wrong? What happened?"

Lag continued crying. "It's my fault! All my fault!"

He tried to grab onto Zazie, but missed and ended up yanking Zazie's scarf off. Lag paused, looking at the black-haired boy with tear-filled eyes. He had never seen Zazie without a scarf on.

Now he knew why.

Around Zazie's neck were faded silver scars, almost like barbed wire had been wrapped around it then tugged. Layers upon layers of scars.

On the edges of those scars, there were two different spots, almost complete circles around Zazie's neck where it was a huge scar.

Lag recognized what caused it.

A collar.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Depressing crap makes Ignis sad. Review time:**

**Tessaleigh:** My best friend and I had a discussion about what possible cross-overs we could do on Tegami Bachi, but I don't remember it very well. I think I might have forgotten my medicine that day… Jiggy? No one knows anything about Jiggy. He's a freaking ninja! Or he is in my next story in some way.

Aria and Largo would be fun to write about, but I find their personalities sort of hard to grasp. Advice? Gauche seems pretty easy for me to write. Basically, it's "Act pretty socially awkward and polite, and take your job a bit too seriously'. Who's your favorite?

I was thinking of something like that when I mentioned Lag liking hockey and swimming. My version of Lag would. Cause I try to make the characters have a wider personality. Zazie? He'd love chaos and destruction. At least he does in my chapters of Diplomatic, which will be posted soon.

I did freaking _research_ on Zazie and there is nothing about his last name. So I'm choosing one. LOL.

Lag's perspective? It kills me inside. I'm just like, "Aw, well, this sucks. Killing Lag here." But thanks for the complements! It's pretty easy for me to write. Oh. One question. Which character should the next letter be done by?

**Bree-Bree233: **Me and Zazie are rude buddies, but nice on the inside. So you liked the Lag chapter, I'm guessing. Personally, I thought it was a little iffy.

Sparta is awesome. Period. No, you don't have to fill out the thing. Unless you wish for Bree to appear in either Track Star or Diplomatic. I almost didn't have the attention span to fill out the chapter.

Thanks for telling me Wasiolka's gender. Any ideas for Zazie's last name?

Niche can jump fifteen feet in the air. I'm pretty sure she likes the hurdles. I LIKE Bree. She's very funny. No, she isn't a bitch. I never thought she was. Oh… she's like me? That's fun.

Have fun drinking and watching TF3!


	6. Plot Bunnies Eat Eyeballs

**A/N: Don't Own Tegami Bachi or any characters/ideas associated with it. I do own Oz however.**

* * *

><p><span>A Guide to Mary Sues: Zazie Style<span>

Chapter Six: Waning: Plot Bunnies Eat Your Eyeballs if Not Fed Correctly

_(AKA, most people are bad at coming up with a plot)_

Dear Peoples:

Empress- why? What the hell made you do these things? Did I do something in a previous life that made you hate me so much?

Speaking of which- Ignis, I set your toaster on fire by putting it in the microwave.

In the unfortunate case you have no idea what's going on here, I'll give you a short introduction.

I'm Zazie Auborn, I'm fourteen, I'm a pyromaniac, and I'm trying to do the impossible by teaching some _very_ uneducated people something called common sense and how to _not butcher any fandom you come across_.

It's proving to be _very_ difficult. As difficult as teaching Lag that I don't love my fangirls.

Harder, actually.

_Since you don't listen._

But at least some people have gotten some laughs and something to read while crapping in this. I'm so very glad that my attempts to teach the world have resulted in this.

Please note my obvious sarcasm.

Since I'm _obliviously_ not doing very well in my teaching attempts, I'd like to say something. We have two new authors who have published in this fandom.

The One Who Lived or whatever your name is got a recommendation to read this story. I'm sort of surprised, but really- I was expecting it. Even if it wasn't in a very nice review.

Here I'd like to make a point. A 'list' or just listing names of your favorite characters is not a bloody story. Dammit- it says so on 's website! Listen!

But no, you've got to publish a freaking list.

Yay.

Once again- sarcasm alert. How about we just keep the sarcasm alert for the entire note, because as stated before- I'm a very sarcastic person. It's my default setting.

But then we have the opposite type of list in the archive as well. It was written by Bree, and is actually very funny and entertaining. Remind me to do some of those at the Bee Hive.

On to the damn point however. Today's lesson!

Part A covers capitalization, while B covers plots, C is covering cannon and head-cannon, D is romance, specifically CannonXOC, and last but probably the most important, Point E, why we are dealing with all of this crap.

You realize I'm addressing all of these because they have actually happened in various stories, right?

...Behold the horror of bad literature.

You may now scream in terror. _Loudly_. As loud as you can.

**Point A: Capitalization.**

Know that thing where you capitalize the letters so you don't _burn your eyes and stop reading the story?_ Tis' called capitalization. OMG. I, like, never saw that coming.

You capitalize all proper nouns (Names, places with titles like 'Eisenhower Park', cities, etc. Any specific item.) And anything that seems like it should be capitalized, such as 'Aotoge'.

Got it?

**Point B: Plots**

Oh goodie. Get ready for a long drawn out discussion that leaves you more confused than when you started. Oh, wait? Turns out that Zazie doesn't like large discussions.

Count yourself lucky.

First, a plot should be something that interests. I, for example, do not want to read about Mary-Sue's adventure in which every cannon character falls in love with her and she finds out that she is Gauche Suede's fourteen-year-old daughter (I saw that in a story. How the hell does that even work?), can talk to all animals and Gaichuu (Which don't have hearts so how the hell can they talk or understand you?), can fly, and is destined to save the world.

NO. No, no, no. End of discussion.

I'd rather read about a sickness gripping the land, with Letter Bees being disposed of and kidnapped left and right, and a government who has decided that those unworthy of life must be killed, so they let a monster loose on the unsuspecting citizens of Yodaka while preaching some shit about how those living in shadows are impure. Throw in a Lag Seeing gripped with amnesia who's captured by said Bad Guys, AKA the government, and told that he must kill those who are unworthy, then let him loose on the Letter Bee hive with some weapons.

What? It's more interesting that Cherry Ann Neko Whitewolf Cloud Squire Squall Prime Strife Sparkle Tuesday the Third and her adventures in Amberground and her ability to talk to and understand Gaichuu even though they don't have a heart.

Ignis says you better not take that plot with the crazy government or she'll kill you, as it will be in her new story, Clockwork, the sequel/prequel/SOMETHING to Verbatim et Litteratim. There's the possibility that it might just be written in the same style though. IT WILL BE ABOUT JIGGY PEPPER, however. Congrats on the huge spoiler.

**Point C: Cannon and Head-Cannon**

I'm gonna let Oz explain this. She knows more about this than I do.

**Yo! I'm Oz Kirkland, and I'm here to help. Well, somewhat help.**

**Cannon is what actually has happened in a series, example, Gauche Suede and Aria Link being friends since they were little, Jiggy having no apparent personality (We'll talk about that one again…), Lag having a Spirit Amber eye and having Niche as his dingo, Noir having his ridiculous ninja-like skills, etc.**

**Head-Cannon is what you believe could have happened in the series or what you believe the characters would act like. AKA, pairings, what happens in the future, their relations with never met before characters, Jiggy's entire bloody personality, etc.**

**That help at all?**

Zazie's back. Oz, that sums it up pretty nicely, except I'm taking points off because you weren't sarcastic and you didn't swear.

**Point D: Romance**

I can't believe that I'm actually acknowledging this section. I also can't believe that it's not butter.

Romance must be done it a very tasteful way. No, we can't say that two people are madly in love with each other when there's nothing leading up to it or to suggest that they like each other in the first place.

AKA, me and Lag no like each other. He's like the little, stupid, annoying brother that I never had but would have had if my parents didn't die on me.

Silly fanfiction writers~!

Fortunately, this also applies to your characters so your OC and a cannon character (Mostly me or Lag… wait, ONLY me and Lag.) can't madly fall in love with each other in the first chapter. Unless your OC is a Mary-Sue.

Then we'll feed her to Wasiloka. She needs fresh meat.

Read some actual romance books first. I know that for Clockwork, Ignis is attempting Romeo and Juliette, Wuthering Heights, Pride and Predjudice, and Empress knows what else.

She's stupid if you ask me.

**Point E: Why the hell we're dealing with all of this**

Ever read 'My Immortal'? No?

Aw, that sucks. It's been dubbed the worse fanfiction ever written. Here's a sneak peak, because I'm nice.

No, I just want to screw with your head.

"_I smelled happily and went into a dark room. I had changed Profesor Sinister took out some black cards. She started to look into a black crucible ball. She said... "Tara, I see drak times are near." She said badly. She peered into da balls. "You see, you must go back in time." She took out a Time-Toner like B'loody Mary had. "When Voldemint was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?" I shook my head. "U must go back in time and sedouce him. It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him. You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it."" –My Immortal_

OH MY EMPRESS MY EYES THEY BURN.

Cue frowny face. :(

'Cause that takes place in Harry potter, and I'm just like, what?

IT BURNS. :(

At least we're not that bad. But now you know why I'm writing this.

Bye,

Zazie Auborn

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Want to tell me what you believe the personalities of the characters are? I need some help.**

**LOL. THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS~! :)**


	7. There's a Voice in My Head

**a/n: holy crap I actually updated. Writer's block kills me slowly.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Tegami Bachi or anything associated with it.**

* * *

><p><span>A Guide to Mary Sues: Zazie Style<span>

Chapter Seven: There's A Talking Voice in My Head

_(he's called a conscience. he tells me to kill people.)_

_You know what I don't get?_

_Riots. And drinking._

_For riots, it's like, so stupid why they even start them. And then there are the idiots and the drunk out of their mind people that start setting things on fire. And maybe you're like, "But I didn't set anything on fire!"_

_But who do you think kept the fire going?_

_Because when you're drunk out of your mind, setting things on fire seems like a smart idea for some unknown reason. Don't ask me how. I don't know._

_Maybe you just see a fire while drunk out of your mind and go, "ANARCHY~" And then you proceed to throw cocktails and other alcoholic drinks at it while singing some weird warped version of a Beatles song._

_Like I said, I really don't know._

_But seriously._

_When in doubt, don't riot. That's just stupid._

_When in doubt, just think. Unless you're like half of the population of the globe, where common sense really isn't that common and the overwhelming factor is the stupidity of people._

_But getting back to the point, when you add rioting and stupidity and a lack of common sense, you get the basics of what exactly is happening here. Only here, it's bad grammar and stupidity plus no common sense or restraint._

_Which is what a Mary-Sue is born from._

* * *

><p>"Get down!" The words were rapid and harsh, and as the warning was issued, the glass of the window cracked. A swear word was heard as the two Letter Bees took shelter. A pink blur shot inside the house, glass and sparkles flying everywhere. A pink haired girl with bright yellow eyes stood there, smiling at the two Bees.<p>

Lag let out a muffled yelp.

Zazie punched the girl in the face.

"How'd they even find us?" The elder protested, grabbing his comrade's hand and starting to drag him through the house. "Don't go by windows or let them touch you!" He warned, using his free hand to grab a hold of his shindanju and aim it at the girl now chasing them down the hallway.

"Aotoge!"

The younger Letter Bee let out a gasp. "Zazie, you can't just shoot people!" He protested while being dragged down the hallway, his visible eye wide. The girl faltered for a second before crashing to the ground. A second later, she got back up.

"Lag. I don't have much of a choice!" Zazie said, shooting another shindan. "We don't have the sword of Gryffindor or a basilisk fang to use against them! Right now I'd like a beanbag gun or a gun with rubber bullets- something that could do real damage! A real gun with real bullets would be nice!" He complained, kicking another girl away from him – by now they were practically everywhere – while Wasiloka pounced on another, knocking the girl out.

The two Bees were almost out of the house when **it** happened. The rabid females behind them suddenly stopped chasing them. The Letter Bees took this in stride, rushing around the corner and outside, slamming the door shut and locking it. From the outside.

…because Zazie was paranoid enough to have a door that could be locked on the outside with a key that didn't unlock the inside. Which made no sense in any way.

_Good job! You defeated a wave of lower class Sues!_

Holy Empress. Talking voice inside his head was back. Why was it back – it didn't _need_ to be back. Zazie growled in anger, stalking away from the house. Lag followed him, glancing behind him in confusion. Wasiloka was at the end of the line, letting out short huffs of annoyance.

_Zazie, you have roughly a week to get this plague under control. If you don't… they'll infect every other person living in Amberground~!_ Talking voice said, causing Zazie to twitch violently.

Lag noticed the twitch. "Zazie, are you okay?" He asked, staring at the obviously agitated older teen who was twitching occasionally and rubbing his temples.

"Lag. There's a talking voice inside my head. It's telling me to kill people. Should I listen to it?" Zazie asked with dead seriousness, causing Lag to back away slowly. The black haired Bee turned and shot Lag an annoyed glare. "I am most certainly not okay."

The hidden message behind that statement was 'shut up, Lag, or I'll punch you.'

Lag wisely choose to shut up.

Zazie mentally went over exactly what had happened.

_A: The Bee Hive was under siege._

_B: His house was now practically destroyed._

_C: He was stuck with Lag for an extended period of time, as everyone else was missing._

_D: He had a voice inside his head that sounded suspiciously like a dead person he had known in his head._

_E: He was allowed to kill fangirls._

For some reason, he wasn't that concerned by the fact there was a siege going on.

He was allowed to kill the fangirls. YES. Finally, he was allowed to kill fangirls. Zazie had never been more happy. Maybe this entire thing was a good thing.

On the other hand, the fact that a dead person was speaking to him was rather creepy.

_My name's Ice._ Talking voice –err, Ice said. Zazie mentally groaned.

Talking Voice would take the fun out of killing the fangirls.


	8. Common Misgivings and Hobos

Dear Assorted People's Who I Generally Do Not Care About;

I AM BACK. EMPRESS YES. It took me what - a year? But I'm back, and I'm already irrationally angry at some crap that I've witnessed, so I am going to say it now:

Being a Letter Bee is not cool shit, or even the shit, it is just plain, terrible, horrible _shit t_hat I would happily force upon my most hated enemy. The job _sucks_. Terribly. I mean, think about it - we wander around the country, sleep outside with a blanket and sometimes a fire (if we're lucky), and we get kicked out of _a lot_ of towns. Also, we're universally hated and either don't have anything to eat on deliveries, or we have some funky thing that can't quite be classified as 'food'.

Basically, we're the equivalent of hobos.

"But _wait_, Zazie," you might say, "you guys aren't hobos! And you guys get to carry around guns and kill monsters and deliver letters!"

AND THERE IS THE PROBLEM.

See, everyone has a gun. In Amberground, not having a gun is like, begging to be robbed or something. And, as the hobos of the government, just have '_special_' guns that CANNOT. HURT. ANYTHING. EXCEPT. GAICHUU. So I someone, let's say Reverse, or bandits, or raiders, or slavers, or angry townsfolk (yes, those _are_ all legitimate problems in Amberground, along with pirates), started shooting at us. All we can do is shoot them with our handy little strobe lights and hope that they're prone to having seizures and that we're really really good at running.

And then we are expected to go out and kill Gaichuu with our dinky little guns as 'part of our job'. Think - you have about a fifty percent chance of dying on every delivery, you're constantly covered in mud, and you experience severe emotional and physical trauma on an everyday basis. THAT IS NO FUN. Well, except for me, because I thrive on that sort of crap, because I'm Mr. Zazie Who-Has-No-Last-Name-Because-I'm-Too-Hardcore.

Also, delivering letters sucks. In general.

And getting to the point that I was trying to make here - if you are going to make up a person in Amberground, think of jobs other than 'Letter Bee'. Maybe they're a baker. Or a gunsmith, or a mechanic, or a breeder, or doctor, or a friggin pirate. JUST. SOMETHING. DIFFERENT. (For the love of _-insert your chosen deity here-_)

For that matter, lets talk about what 'different' means. Different does not mean you get a kick ass Iron Horse, because there is a rule: No Iron Horses except for Jiggy's. Kay? I want to stomp on that idea before I see it and have to go weep in a corner for all of humanity.

I figure that I should shoot a few more of your crazy ass ideas in the face before someone barfs them onto a keyboard.

First: if you're character is a Letter Bee, then lets go with a idea that _THOU IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE HEAD BEE_. That was Gauche's role, we saw how that turned out for him. If you didn't see it, well it involved a lot of soul sucking from a hag referred to as Lag's Creepy Mother, memory loss, and _evil_.

Also, choose a different shindan. I have a shotgun, Lag has a pistol, Aria has a violin, Conner has mines, that crazy Bee who died last week had a cello (and hit people with it), and Moc Sullivan has frickin' knives. Use, I don't know, a crossbow or some shit.

I feel like I'm forgetting something here.

OH! Spirit Amber! I knew I forgot to shoot some ideas in the face. See Spirit Amber is crazy expensive. The crap costs about seven years of pay for me, and I get paid somewhat well (for being a hobo), so unless you're filthy rich (Like's Lag's mother) then you probably have no way to get your hands on any. Also, I'm fairly certain it's illegal to own that crap if you're a civilian. Anyway, the colors and bugs mean stuff, I guess. And some of it is really really friggin rare, like days where no one in the Bee hive is crying (LAG.)

Mine's average, I guess.

mind gutter out now.

Second: all zombies (read: anyone boring) will be shot with a SHOTGUN. That includes your character, so make sure you're not a bucket of angst and shit and mopes and stuff, kay? I will know if you are.

Third: spirits and relations to dead people are big no-no's. I do not have a sister OR a last name, I am not in love with a freaky three hundred spirit who lives in a rock and possesses her great grandkids, Lag doesn't have the ability to see dead people and converse with them, and Conner is actually important. If you have a craving to use 'magic' and 'spirits' then get your ass out of here. We don't want your sorcery. We have our goddamn hearts for that sort of witchcraft, and it works fairly well.

I think thats all. This time.

FROM ZAZIE (With Lots of Hate!)


End file.
